we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
