mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
