I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
