I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
