it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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