Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
