just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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