Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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