Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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