your parents love me but you hate me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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