There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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