if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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