every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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