You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize