This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize