I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
