fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
