God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize