Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
