ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
