I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
