So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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