So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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