I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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