some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
