News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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