I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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