Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
