Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
