dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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