I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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