why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
