That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
