I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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