Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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