walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
