I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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