i dedicated my morning wood to you.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
