I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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