I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
