I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
