Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
