I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
