I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
