You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
