My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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