I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
