I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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