turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
