Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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