I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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