Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
