Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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