life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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