Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
