also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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